Ruin Me

From the time that I sat in the floor at the Wesley foundation and heard Bob speak about the Lord ruining us of the world's perspective and views, I knew God was preparing to do with me just that. He wants to ruin me of my perception of love. In my world-acquired view of love, I see ferris wheels and flowers and smiles and symphony's and deep stares and stars and candles and grassy fields and beaches and pictures... but that's not love at all, it's momentary emotion. Love is a choice and love is suffering. Why did a sovereign and good God choose death and suffering as the way to salvation? Because there was no other way. The cross is the most selfless, unjust, unfair, unbelievable, wrongful act and yet it is God's definition of love and although its beautiful in all its mystery, it is so un-natural and alarming and...necessary. I learn through the prophet Isaiah that the Lord and I think nothing alike, act nothing alike, not naturally at least and so I ask God to ruin me of my thoughts, my ways, my perceptions, my worldly concepts. I am learning to trust in the purposes of a plan that I cannot understand, a plan of suffering for the sake of glory. It is beyond me why suffering is the only way but I trust that if it were not the only way, there would be no cross. I am ruined of the human concept of love and still grasping for the love that does not offer any immediate reward. I find this love so desirable but so lacking in the moment. So I am continuing to ask God to ruin me, ruin me until my heart is nothing but a dirt field in which anything can be planted or sowed. I'm hoping for something un-natural but deeply satisfying in all its uncertainty and unknowns.