The Unexpected

For the most part we are all just floating through life. Although we never are, we feel that we are in control. We have ownership over decisions and we are inside our comfort zones unless the odds are good to go outside of them. For certain periods of time, each day will seem just like the last. Slightly different obstacles, conflicts, and different reasons to laugh. Maybe you will say something funny and people will laugh harder than you expected but other than that everything is mundane, hence, the reason why you can't always remember what you did last Thursday...because last Thursday was...nothing extraordinary or any different than...today. Sometimes though, life will twist or turn and something will catch your attention, consume your thoughts, re-focus your life. For me, decisions about the "real world" have laid heavy on my mind. My friend Rob said that the reality is that elementary school never prepares you for middle school and middle school never prepares you for high school and high school doesn't prepare you for college and does college prepare you for the real world? Nope. You realize that one day you will be in a career but it is not until the time comes to face it that you really digest it all. You realize that for the first time in your life you may remain in the same setting, same geography, same routine for far more than a mere four years. Even though it isn't until it comes that you really think about it, it is still part of the plan and it is expected. It wasn't at all the real world though that stopped me in my tracks and spun me around hard. It was the UNexpected.

I was leaving my house to drive to Atlanta last Sunday night when I came upon the scene of an accident. I think back on it so much and it seems so surreal. I thought it was my brother, same car as his, two miles (if that) from my house. I almost stopped breathing. I called my mom frantically and was yelling for her to see if he was home, and he was but I was already involved. There was no one else at the scene when I had driven by. A car had somehow run off the road and was completely demolished. I have never seen a car wrecked so badly in my life. As I parked the car and walked up, my heart felt like it was having fun with a punching bag. A man had already walked up since I drove by and was on the phone with 911. I heard him answering questions. I got a little closer to the car and a man was laid over in the front seat. His head was bleeding and there was no response to us, no movement from him. I watched him as if I were waiting for something miraculous...and I was. I thought he was dead, if not dying very quickly. I wondered who he loved and who loved him. He had what looked like a butterfly tatoo on the back of his neck and for some reason I do not think I will ever forget that tatoo as long as I live. He moved. He was sort of convulsing and I said to the guy on the phone, "he is moving, do you know he is alive?" The man kept up with his phone conversation, pacing. Another man had come up and was pacing. My biggest regret looking back on it now was that I did not go closer to him. I did not say anything comforting to him. I did not give him any company at all. I then left the scene, I was pretty sure I was going to throw up and I have no special skill so I thought I would get me and my car out of the way as other people were arriving. I prayed for about 24 hours straight from that point on and cried the whole way to Atlanta. He was alive the next day and just as soon as my hopes were up and my heart was back alive, he had passed away after having been flown to Erlanger in Chattanooga. The whole week I thought about it. I could not sleep. I was barely living in the present. I could not forget how bad the car looked and I could not forget that butterfly tattoo. I did find out a little about who loved him. He was not married but his parents are still alive and he appears to be tragically missed by them and everyone that he worked with. In relation to the things that had been on my mind about my own life, I then realized that all I can do is follow God's plan as little as it makes sense, as scary and undesirable as the road may seem, as sacrificing as it is. Isaiah 55:8 always reminds me that the Lord and I do not see eye to eye. His plans I cannot understand. I'm not sure why I came up on the scene of that accident or why I met John Hudson on the day before he died. I can only pray through things and ask the Lord to mold me to his thinking, his actions, and his ways. It is a really big prayer with some fairly UNexpected answers.

To be like Onesiphorus

In 2 Timothy 1:16-18, Paul gives credit to the household of Onesiphorus saying:

"May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. On the contrary, when he was in Rome, he searched hard for me until he found me. May the Lord grant that he will find mercy from the Lord on that day! You know very well in how many ways he helped me in Ephesus."

There are many nights when I lay down to go to sleep and I shamefully realize how much of my to-do list that day was about...me. Where in our lives are we refreshing people? How are we refreshing people? Even more challenging, how are we conveying to people that we are not ashamed of their chains? How often do you spend your time searching hard for someone? In order to refresh others, we must give of ourselves and search hard for how to do so. It is only through the giving of his son Jesus that we may know God. It is only through someone's giving of themselves that you came to receive him and It is only through a combination of Jesus' sacrifice and the giving of ourselves that others may know him. I pray that we would not be ashamed of our chains or anyone else's and that we would refresh each other and search hard for each other ...as long as it is called today.

The Power of Prayer

The power of prayer is something that I have always believed in but rarely acted as if I believed in. A few times I have prayed unceasingly and even fasted for things that I desired so badly from God and he was so so so faithful each time. However, something in my human nature, I would say a mixture between sin and satan's effort, downplayed those victories on God's part, somehow watered down the glory of the moment and returned me to "real life" where many things are not answered, typically because they are not prayed for.

God gains far more glory for everything when it is asked for passionately from him. Jesus prayed passionately and effectively. Why? Because he believed when he prayed. He believed in a father, in a path, in a mission, in love. He was the son of God, his purpose and his mission were layed out clearly, no one could change it, stop it, or stand in the way. However, he still prayed. He did so diligently. He asked God for what he knew God was already bringing. Why? because God gains glory through answering requests and he gains PLEASURE through being in relationship with us. He DELIGHTS in us (Deuteronomy 30:9, Zephaniah 3:17, 1 Kings 10:9).

He is yearning for relationship with us. It should be really flattering to us. We should be humbled through this and we should give in to his desire gladly. I love how Jesus prayed. It was infinitely important that Jesus relay the message of God to the disciples, the crowds, the nations but he saw it just as important to be in prayer for his mission, for all people. He fought for prayer time. He withdrew from everyone to have consecrated time with the Lord. He also was constantly advising others to pray. It is truly incredible the role that prayer had in his life. May we pray without giving up (Luke 18:1). Let it be our goal to pray as Jesus did, passionately, consistently, as if it is the sole motivator in God's movement...because maybe it is.

The December Challenge

This time of year, I always challenge myself to say Merry Christmas to as many strangers as possible. This is the funnest thing ever. I have said Merry Christmas to a few strangers and people just LOVE CHRISTmas cheer! Their faces brighten up and they smile and its always great to have something to smile about at work. That is really all I have to say with this blog, just to challenge you to say MERRY CHRISTMAS! Most employers cannot say Merry Christmas to you unless you say Merry Christmas to them, so brighten someones day, say MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Today I am Most Thankful for a Wachovia Analyst Named Chad

I would like to start this message by saying two things. First off, it's been one of those days and second, I love the Wachovia Banking institution. I am basically a walking advertisment for them and when anyone states the fact that they use another bank, I quickly turn the conversation into a debate over who is the better bank. I have had many victories. I have made countless banking errors and irresponsible decisions and wachovia has reversed them all for me with a smile. Although my loyalty to Wachovia will never change because I am NOT a fairweather fan, I did loose my cool with them a little today.

I'm sitting in my computer class at 11:15 and I decide to check my online banking to see how things are doing. I realize that on Friday I got down to $20 which is cutting it close but no big deal. I went to Kroger on Monday but forgot to deposit a check BEFORE going and so I made a small overdraft. I thought...no big...I've got overdraft protection to my savings, I will dust my self off, slap my self on the hand, and move on from this mistake. So, I check my online banking and see that I have a $245 dollar charge!!!!! WHAT?!? No one wants to find that out! I get really anxious, I'm taping my foot and counting down the seconds until class is over. I get a ride home quickly to get this mess figured out. So I call wachovia and I get the long borrrringgg man who is automated and I quickly tell him "REPRESENTATIVE," in which he says "I believe you asked for a representative, I will transfer your call." "Thank you Bob (Bob is his name because Bob is the name alloted to any mysterious, un-human, personified thing in my life)." I get on the phone with the first lady...she knows i'm frustrated and she is trying to explain to me why this is happening...she can't...I put up a fight...I'm then transferred to Donna...Donna can't explain it to me either because in her heart, she knows that the system is unfair and merciless...she transfers me to Chad. I like Chad. He explains to me why this is my fault and then takes the charge clean away.

Here is what happened so that you people may learn from my mistakes and that you may NEVER trust the banking system. I made several transactions over the Thanksgiving break, rinky-dink $5 transactions but they all posted on December the 1st and were on hold which is some weird bank thing...it can take up to 5 days...apparently. So then, on Monday (actually on December 1st) I purchace groceries...which is where I made the overdraft. All of those transactions together, some that were from up to five days ago came through yesterday. Instead of putting through the most recent one first, they charge the largest amount first (tricky and heartless) so the largest kroger transaction went through first, followed by each of the rinky-dink purchases from a week ago...and from there I was charged an overdraft fee each time up to 245 buckaroos. I told Chad that this is horribly unfair. He indirectly agrees, places me on hold, and wipes the charges. He sets me up for overdraft protection to my savings (which I had already requested months ago), he tells me to spend carefully and sends me on my way. I really like Chad. He knows in his heart that the system is inhuman and heartless, I imagine that he has a hard time waking up in the morning knowing what scandal and gut-wrenching activities the day will hold but for some reason he believes in Wachovia, stands by them, and for now...so will I.

Ruin Me

From the time that I sat in the floor at the Wesley foundation and heard Bob speak about the Lord ruining us of the world's perspective and views, I knew God was preparing to do with me just that. He wants to ruin me of my perception of love. In my world-acquired view of love, I see ferris wheels and flowers and smiles and symphony's and deep stares and stars and candles and grassy fields and beaches and pictures... but that's not love at all, it's momentary emotion. Love is a choice and love is suffering. Why did a sovereign and good God choose death and suffering as the way to salvation? Because there was no other way. The cross is the most selfless, unjust, unfair, unbelievable, wrongful act and yet it is God's definition of love and although its beautiful in all its mystery, it is so un-natural and alarming and...necessary. I learn through the prophet Isaiah that the Lord and I think nothing alike, act nothing alike, not naturally at least and so I ask God to ruin me of my thoughts, my ways, my perceptions, my worldly concepts. I am learning to trust in the purposes of a plan that I cannot understand, a plan of suffering for the sake of glory. It is beyond me why suffering is the only way but I trust that if it were not the only way, there would be no cross. I am ruined of the human concept of love and still grasping for the love that does not offer any immediate reward. I find this love so desirable but so lacking in the moment. So I am continuing to ask God to ruin me, ruin me until my heart is nothing but a dirt field in which anything can be planted or sowed. I'm hoping for something un-natural but deeply satisfying in all its uncertainty and unknowns.